Trust God, Erica. Just trust God.
My friend's words still linger in my ear, having been weeks since he said it.
Will I? Will I really?
Simple concept, we hear it all the time as Christians. It's what we teach in Sunday School amidst the squirming, giggling little kids. Knowing it so well in my head, you'd think I would know it in my heart by now. But that is simply not the case.
God lead me through the fire last year. I felt it's heat, more than once. And he proved faithful. There is something consuming about realizing the fact that God really is in control...and I'm not. And this whole time there was one lesson I absolutely overlooked.
Nothing is in my control.
My heart was breaking, my Dad kept having flare ups with MS and all I wanted for Christmas - or for the rest of my life at that point - was for him to get well. And I remember what I said, "I just feel helpless. It's crazy. I mean, I can't do anything."
I can handle sickness in my own body, feeling pain at the most inconvenient times, being humiliated about my condition, wanting to die to be relieved of the pain, being bed ridden - been there, done that. I can take persecution and being laughed at, mocked, rejected, judged wrongfully, overlooked, treated like I'm invisible. But when someone I love is in those kind of circumstances, it takes all I can do to not lash out in anger and dynamically "fix" the problem. Maybe it's the fact that I'm female... Or maybe I'm still stuck thinking I know best...?
All I know right now is what I've learned, that which I seem to forget every single aching day of my life(!)...I cannot control anything. (Except my own choices.)
And when I've fought doubting God and can't fight anymore, finally collapsing onto my knees only to question him, "What are you doing!?!" he always answers the same.
"I Am God."
As long as I can remember, he is God, and his thoughts are higher than my thoughts, his way are higher than my ways. No eye has seen, no ear has heard, it's never entered into the heart of man, the things that God has prepared for them that love him. If it is his will, whatever I desire, no man will be able to separate me from that. But if it is not his will, my wrong choices, and going after it anyway, could get me what I want; but it could also ruin my future, and perhaps others' futures also.
He says "I Am God." and it seems like such a vague answer. But it's everywhere in his book. "Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted amoung the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
Who made me? Who put the earth together and holds it together as we speak? Who made the blind and the lame? And who makes them whole? Who can take a wicked heart and make it white as snow? Who gives out wisdom freely to all who ask in faith and doesn't take back? Who gives and takes away as he will? Who saves all who trust in him? Who has always been the one who helped me go forward when I felt pushed back or too weak to continue? Who has given me test upon test and taught me that the only way through life is to hold onto him? Who
has always been there when my whole world was shifting? Who has been on my side, so compassionate, when no one else was? Who put the moon and the sun in place and sends the rain and the drought? Who helps me see beauty in the ugliest of places? Who gives so much grace? What's his name and what is his Son's name? His name is God. And Jesus is his Son. And as long as he reminds my feeble heart of all he has done for me, and who he is, I will trust him. There's no other way.