Continued... Read My Journal!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

   ....And what do I get for all my sin in the end? Heaven.
Heaven in my soul, heaven when I die. With streets of gold and calm waters beside green and soft pastures. With God of the ages, the Perfect, the Pure. The Everlasting Righteousness. The Way, the Truth, and the Life...Jesus Christ. The one and only. I get to spend eternity with HIM! I get to kneel before Him for all eternity, in the splendor of His holiness, and praise Him. I will be before Him, clothed in purity, cleansed from all the sin and filth that has plagued my soul since birth. I'm saved. When I called upon the name of the Lord...he did not stay, or wait, He came to me! He saved me, in all my sin, saved me from hell, my punishment. And when God the Father looks at me, he doesn't see the sins I still sin. He doesn't see my mistakes, He doesn't see my ugliness. He sees nail scarred hands, a blistered brow, and perfect blood running through my veins. He sees the everlasting covenant covering me. He sees His Son Jesus. And according to 2 Corinthians 5:21, I am the righteousness of God. It's hurts, I'm not worthy. So very very unacceptable. I should be rejected, but He took that. I should be beaten, but He bore my wounds. I should be crucified for the liar and thief that I am. He carried my cross. Anything good about me is of Him, and by myself, I am unlovable. But He loved me. He loved me for me. Hell should be mine. He fought hell for me. And He arose from out of the grave. Death could not keep Him, Jesus my Savior. He pardoned my iniquity on Calvary's hill. But to bring me the victory, He had to rise. Nothing held Him back from reaching me. Not even the mistakes He knew I'd make after my soul was sealed with his redemption. Nothing - no one - stopped my Jesus.
Jesus loves me. He loves me like no one can. He took me in my most undesirable state. He drew me out of many waters...Psalm 18. He is my strength. My shield. My buckler and the horn of my salvation. I will call upon the LORD, so shall I be saved from my enemies.
He is worthy to be praised.
And when I think of this, and how Jesus loves me, nothing else really matters. Except, I want to be like Him now. Never ever ever again to be like Erica. I want the whole world and every breathing person walking it to know Him too. Not just to hear the story of Jesus. To know Him, like I know Him! I want to grow in the Lord. I don't want to sin anymore! If I don't change every day, in some small way (if all it is is a small change) then I'll be held back. And one thing I HATE is to be held back from something I know is good.
When I want something, I do not give up. Jesus never gave up on me, and He never will. He never gives up on anyone. He never gives up on His will. Nothing will stop the will of God...
Except the choices we make.
Lord, I need you! I want your will in my life.
 I feel like there's so many times I have made mistakes and still - God makes a way! Can it ever end, his deliverance? Is it ever too late? No. Where ever repentance is found, I believe there is always a second chance. When we cry for help, Jesus will always come for us. He's done all this...He DOES all this. Don't we owe him everything?
   I love someone. With all my heart, with all my soul, with everything I have in me.
But if I don't love Jesus more, I'm cheating the One who loved me in spite of myself, before anyone would have chose me the way He did - the way Jesus did.
We can love with a true love, agape love. But it is only in the power of Jesus that we can do so. He is everything to me, whether I realize it or not. I want to KNOW Him. I want to live on this earth like I am dying. No time for hatred or fear. No room for pride or selfishness. The more I know Him, the more I'll be like Him. That is my desire.
That is my life goal.
Thank You Jesus, for helping me get lost in your love. Thank you for reminding me - no one loves me as much as you do.

Read My Journal!

Don't you just love being able to see what some people are REALLY thinking inside? Well, at least I do. haha... This was a loooooooooong entry in my journal so it's gonna be two posts long. This post is about who my old self is - the old self I fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. But the sequel to this journal entry is about my new self, who I am in Christ.

From my journal:
      Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Perfect - I am NOT. Thank You, Father God, that I am not perfect. Thank You even more for showing me!
Oh heaven, it's almost heaven. Showing someone exactly who I am, the sinner I am, and them loving me still. Wanting me still.
Agape love.
I am a fearful little thing. Scared of losing good things in my life, because I've lost so much. Scared of simply MOVING at times, because I've made so many wrong moves, wrong choices. My fears hold me back from giving of myself, even when I think of myself as a good giver. Me, thinking I'm anything at all, ever thinking of myself, it's pride. I can't stand it when I get slammed, when I'm dead-wrong and someone lets me know. Especially when I come to some awesome person to let them know that he's done wrong and he ends up correcting me! I hold everything in. And I mean everything. Try to work problems out on my own and don't open up at all...until it's too much for me anymore and then you'll see me run to my closest confidant (Mother!) and drench her with my pitiful stories of life's troubles. She listens every time and has been known to give me a much needed "slap" in the face when my thoughts and feelings and female emotions had gone too far. A poker face can be used for very few good things - and I use it to cover up what I'm feeling. I am stubborn and very independent. I try to figure things out on my own, leading back up to pride. That pride hinders my walk with Christ, my loving Jesus. My foolish pride will keep me from reading His Word. Pride never did help anyone...
I can nag the shoe off a horse's foot. You hold something from me, I will drag it out of you. There's only one rightful synonym for nag, and that is contention. I am Delilah! Manipulative, contentious Delilah. And I'm not proud...when will I learn?! I would rather be honest, like Esther, not subtle. I'd rather be humble, like Ruth. Straight-forward and blunt. I am to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. I see the serpent in me, but there's no dove. I'm so weak sometimes. I won't always stand my ground when I know I should. I let people use me...all the while seeing myself as some sort of martyr that will be rescued soon enough. And if I do stand up for myself, I fear disappointment from them. I want to be LOVED by them. To be loved by the world. Now THAT is sin. God help me. God teach me to desire the world's hate. Help me to rejoice when I am looked at and judged, when I am treated with that condescending air.
I am a plotter and a schemer. A liar and a cheat. A good actress, sort of. A prideful, starving beggar at heart. Needy, yet prideful, and unwilling to reach out for help. Selfish and stubborn. Fleshly, lustful, sinful. Oh, wrecthed woman that I am! (Romans 7:24)
But I am washed. So what do I get for all my sin in the end? Heaven...

To be continued

                                    

          

Don't Write My Story

 Life is precious. Every life is valuable and every life is a story just waiting to be written. Even the weakest person you know has a place in this world. And their story is not meant to be written on by YOU or anyone else. We hear all the time, "If you don't write your story, someone else will write it for you." Well we've heard enough of that.

Today, I'm saying this: "Don't write in someone else's book."

You wouldn't like it if someone walked up to you while there was a good book in your hands, grabbed it, and marked across the page with a thick Sharpie. I have never been very agreeable with someone who tried to map out my life for me. I am independent and strong-willed. Stubborn.....yes, it can lead to rebellion. And sometimes I have gone astray from the Lord, the one who would have gladly led me by still waters and through green pastures. He has never given up on me and is still working on me. Some times God will put certain people on our path to guide us in the ways of the Lord and to encourage us to stay on that narrow path. They can be very "black-and-white" and rebuke us sharply, or they can have a quiet spirit and be understanding. God knows when we need an angel in disguise. But that is just as often as I said - some times. Other times there may be someone come up in our lives who would try to lead us in the way they thought right for us. They may love us, want what's best for us, and we may just love them back. But ultimately, they teach us the wrong ways. They may be people who just want to make a buck off of us. We need to be, as the Bible says, wise as serpents and harmless as doves; and kindly decline their advice.

This situation is part of my story. So many people I love dearly want me to pursue their dreams and their plans for me. But not God's.

"You need to go to college."
"You need to get a well-paying job and start taking some classes so you can get some experience!"
"You'll never be ready to face the real world without any practice. You've got to start somewhere!"

What these people do not realize is that I started at Calvary and my story is just as important as the greatest preacher or war hero's story. These suggestions on how to live life are thoughtful, considerate, and helpful, until they become aggressive and condescending.

"You don't know anything about the real world...yet."
"Life's a lot tougher than you thought it would be, huh?"
"You are selfish and take advantage of your family by staying at home, mooching off their living."

Have you ever said this to a young person who was genuinely seeking God's will for their life? Lay off. This is plain spite. As Christians, we are taught by Christ to encourage and admonish one another, rebuke when sin is a problem, and PRAY constantly, without ceasing. We are not taught to belittle or degrade the confidence or self-esteem of our family. We are to be patient and kind - something I struggle with. There are young people in this world who need counsellors and older friends who will guide them in the ways of the Lord, but not lead them down a personal path that they created for the young person. I am still very young and am sick and tired of people trying to write on the pages of my book with their words and their actions. I am not a puppet and I will not be taken advantage of. I am a servant of the Lord and a daughter of the King of kings and I expect to be treated as such. So many young people, from junior high into their early twenties are respectful and sacrificial people, taught by their parents to love the Lord. What is so wrong about a sold-out teenager? It's like the public expects us to be rebellious and world-seeking and thinks there is something WRONG with us when we aren't. They see us, joyful, content and victorious and when we smile, they make it their mission to shut us down. Well that won't work with me.
Don't write my story, it's not yours. It's God's. And I decided a long time ago that I wanted Him to write it because He is the only one who can make anything good out of it. He is doing wonderful things in my life and doesn't need your help. Teachers, college professors, government workers and politicians, Hollywood stars and control-freaks, this is for you: Let go and let God.

Leave me alone, and leave the Christ-seeking young people in this world alone. We seek God's truth, not your opinion. How much do you trust God? Enough to release everything to His will?

There are men and women in this country who are pushing abortion rights, gay-marriage rights, and who are trying to abolish Biblical parental authority in the area of discipline. They are trying to change the content of our stories. Men and women in this country advocate pornography and liberated use of drugs and alcohol. Lie upon lie upon lie, as kids are still taught evolution, and worse things, at school. But like I said, you could be just one single person out of this whole world, writing on someone else's pages by accusing those who are genuine, degrading those who live joyful lives opposed to your troubled and discontent life, and belittling those with child-like faith. If you don't like the victory that some people are experiencing in their Christian lives, then why don't you try getting some experience in yourself? Maybe you need to get saved. I was very heated about this topic today, more than usual. I'm tried of seeing young Christans discouraged by those who are meant to hold us up but instead tear us down. Thank you to all who believe in the potential God put in us as human beings and guiding us with firm but gentle hands down the straight and narrow path. You are vessels of mercy in a world of hate.

And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea. Mark 9:42

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Proverbs 17:22