Friday, May 18, 2012

Read My Journal!

Don't you just love being able to see what some people are REALLY thinking inside? Well, at least I do. haha... This was a loooooooooong entry in my journal so it's gonna be two posts long. This post is about who my old self is - the old self I fight EVERY SINGLE DAY. But the sequel to this journal entry is about my new self, who I am in Christ.

From my journal:
      Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Perfect - I am NOT. Thank You, Father God, that I am not perfect. Thank You even more for showing me!
Oh heaven, it's almost heaven. Showing someone exactly who I am, the sinner I am, and them loving me still. Wanting me still.
Agape love.
I am a fearful little thing. Scared of losing good things in my life, because I've lost so much. Scared of simply MOVING at times, because I've made so many wrong moves, wrong choices. My fears hold me back from giving of myself, even when I think of myself as a good giver. Me, thinking I'm anything at all, ever thinking of myself, it's pride. I can't stand it when I get slammed, when I'm dead-wrong and someone lets me know. Especially when I come to some awesome person to let them know that he's done wrong and he ends up correcting me! I hold everything in. And I mean everything. Try to work problems out on my own and don't open up at all...until it's too much for me anymore and then you'll see me run to my closest confidant (Mother!) and drench her with my pitiful stories of life's troubles. She listens every time and has been known to give me a much needed "slap" in the face when my thoughts and feelings and female emotions had gone too far. A poker face can be used for very few good things - and I use it to cover up what I'm feeling. I am stubborn and very independent. I try to figure things out on my own, leading back up to pride. That pride hinders my walk with Christ, my loving Jesus. My foolish pride will keep me from reading His Word. Pride never did help anyone...
I can nag the shoe off a horse's foot. You hold something from me, I will drag it out of you. There's only one rightful synonym for nag, and that is contention. I am Delilah! Manipulative, contentious Delilah. And I'm not proud...when will I learn?! I would rather be honest, like Esther, not subtle. I'd rather be humble, like Ruth. Straight-forward and blunt. I am to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove. I see the serpent in me, but there's no dove. I'm so weak sometimes. I won't always stand my ground when I know I should. I let people use me...all the while seeing myself as some sort of martyr that will be rescued soon enough. And if I do stand up for myself, I fear disappointment from them. I want to be LOVED by them. To be loved by the world. Now THAT is sin. God help me. God teach me to desire the world's hate. Help me to rejoice when I am looked at and judged, when I am treated with that condescending air.
I am a plotter and a schemer. A liar and a cheat. A good actress, sort of. A prideful, starving beggar at heart. Needy, yet prideful, and unwilling to reach out for help. Selfish and stubborn. Fleshly, lustful, sinful. Oh, wrecthed woman that I am! (Romans 7:24)
But I am washed. So what do I get for all my sin in the end? Heaven...

To be continued



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