Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Come and Learn With Me

I learned a valuable lesson this morning.......DO NOT eat Mrs. Baird's chocolate frosted mini-donuts for breakfast before working out, especially after skipping a few days. That was probably the trigger. Nausea will replace the burning sensation that happens when your muscles are reaching their limit while exercising. It's not worth it - just say no. lol, say no to Mrs. Baird's donuts.

The next thing I'm about to tell you is going to be very VERY hard for me to share. An epiphany I had this morning, and it will reveal my ugly, old self - the self I fight every day. But since I'm not the only one, I feel like I need to. It started with my camera, when I was snapping shots of my little sister this morning before she woke up. It's just a regular digital camera, but with diligence, the pictures have gotten better and better. I've heard of three main keys to photography: Good eye, good camera, steady hand. And I'm convinced that with all the free editing websites you can find, pretty close to anyone can be a photographer.
But what I would tell you is: Just take pictures.
So I love photography. I love capturing the moment. There have been moments in time I wish would have just stood still. For the whole world to slow into a stupendous still-motion and leave me there to melt. That's when a camera comes in handy. It's true when you hear, "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

With that said, my camera is my treasure. I'm a very territorial person. I don't like you getting in my space or using my things. I do not cooperate well with control-freaks, probably because I'm border-line......okay, I am a control-freak. At least, when it comes to what is mine (which has the potential to be a good thing, but that's a completely different discussion). Many people will comment on how much patience I have. It's by the grace of God! If only they saw my battle of self-control boiling under the surface at times. Proverbs 16:32!
I hate that about myself - that is such an ugly sin. Sometimes I have to shut the door, look in the mirror, and say, "JUST. LET. GO." Keep breathing, relax, nobody died...it's okay if the little ones want to take your camera around the backyard and snap a few...*big sigh*
The little butterfly I talked about yesterday is my mini-me. She loves my camera. She sees the pictures I take and wants to do the same thing. When my camera is missing, it's likely to be in her hands...or where ever she left it! When I download pictures into the file on this computer, there are always random or blurry photos that come up in between the ones I've taken. Most likely, they're my baby sister's work.
She watches me and adopts my likes and dislike, my habits, my style. She follows me, watches me until I am completely absent from the room...she's most of the time at my heels. She cries and it kills me, laughs and my heart fills, screams and I'm there in a heart beat. She can be sassy sometimes and win an argument with ease - just like me. We got it from our Mother.
Mom is the queen of words, knows how to use them wisely and effectively, and I must add, is the best Mom in the world!
OK, back to the main subject (I can get side-tracked so easily!). Like I said, I'm very territorial. When my little butterfly uses my camera, reorganizes my bedroom, and sticks her little fingers in the rolls that I set out to rise while the oven is heating, it becomes my business.
Now, my hands have stopped moving and are hanging over the keyboard, and I'm about to get in some deep confession time. How do I say this...?
Since I'm selfish, I don't want to share. Since I'm prideful, I don't want my project to be added to by anyone else. And since I am sinful (like all human beings), I lose self-control when my pride is stepped on or my selfishness is not gratified. It's when I lose control. That's when I lose it. Does that make sense?
And I guess I'm really not ready to be a mother. I'm not as grown up as I think. Because if I feel that my territory is so important as to lose it when little, sweet hands borrow what belongs to her hero, how can I share a life with the ones who will be my own? What worth do dreams have if they can't be shared with the ones we raise? Where will their dreams come from? Where would the impact that daily changes us into His image come from? What is it about the word MINE that is so monumental? We learn it when we're in diapers. We often carry it into adulthood. Today I learned, TODAY I'm letting this change me.

The life I live is not about ME.

If we can't share our lives, our hobbies, our attributes, our love, our time... If we can't share that with our children, what worth does it all have? I don't want my kids someday to live off another person's dreams simply because I won't share mine with them. I want to teach them, to grow them, to help them start their stories with a loving and encouraging hand. I want to be an open door to my kids. To be an "open-door" mom, not a "closed-door" mom. God gave me a little sister to help me learn that. And I'm running with it. I can take her with me when there's a picture to shoot and let her take a few, show her the ropes. I can suffer one dinner roll to lose it's puffiness and teach her why the dough reacts that way, the science of cooking. It's so simple, it's almost funny. But it's really not funny. This is important.

I know a woman who is a "closed-door" mom. She doesn't share with her oldest daughter, who is a toddler. She loses it when her daughter picks up her purse or moves her husband's shoes out of the closet. That kid is allowed little-to-no curiosity. If there is one thing I don't want to be as a mother, it is exactly that.

Do you share your life with your kids? Do you let them cook and clean with you, create and dream with you? Don't see them as being in the way. They want to see things through your eyes, to know what you know, to do what you do. It's the way God made them. It's why God allowed you to be a parent. And for every single ounce of time God has given you with them, that you don't use, someone else - or something - will gladly use it for you. I don't think I need to address the parents and older siblings out there who let the little people in life control them - there's too many out there who are controlling their kids. Be an open door. This journey will have many more lessons for me to learn, so I'm gonna learn this one right now before the next one comes knocking on the door! Come and learn with me.

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